Even more jokes...The advent of the Internet has certainly speeded up the rate at which jokes get circulated around the world. What was making someone smile in Sydney on a Sunday can be making men moan in Massachussetts on Monday. Or something. Anyway, here is some chuckle fodder for you all.
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him.
The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which are grazing, and says: "All right."
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?" The young man answers: "Yes, why not."
The shepherd says: "You are a partner with Andersen Consulting!" "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd, "First, you came here without being called. Second, it cost me a sheep for you to tell me something I already knew. Third, you clearly don't understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!"
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website.
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I've had the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimise Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with Footyware, often trying to abort my footy programme with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with girlfriend 2.0. He said 1 probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it - it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection.
It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of BOTH VERSIONS! The version I have now works pretty well but, like all versions, there are still some problems.
The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less re-programme. And I have never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object orientated". A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay resident version. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires after a year if you don't upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all his space so he can't load anything else.
One of the prime reasons he upgraded to Wife was because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). Apart from that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it Wife 1.0 came bundled with mother-in-law 1.0, which has an automatic pop up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without uninstalling Wife, Wife will delete your MS Money files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Is there anyone out there able to resolve the conflicts or offer technical advice?
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
Some new proverbs for the new Millennium.
These are supposed to be actual letters written to the Department of Social Security in the UK!
Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems verbatim.
...any one that can walk away from is a good one. Here are some (allegedly) true announcements from in-flight attendants.
"I took a bottle of Mr Muscle into the office where I work as a chartered accountant on a day when I had some particularly tedious jobs lined up. Firstly, I'd been asked to prepare a quarterly sales summary for an exporter of live animals in Ramsgate. I expected this to take most of the morning, so I sprayed the keyboard of my computer with a liberal coating of Mr Muscle and went to the toilet where I slept until 11.30," explained Mr Weller.
"Now, compiling quarterly summaries for large companies is one of the worst things about my job, I hate it in fact, so I'd expected Mr Muscle to have done a great job. I was astonished when I returned to my desk and discovered that he hadn't even started!" He said.
"That afternoon I was scheduled to interview graduates for a junior position with the firm. If there's one thing I hate more than quarterly summaries, it's interviewing students, so I decided to leave it to Mr Muscle. I squirted him all over the conference room on the second floor, left the bottle on the table and asked my Secretary, Miss Harris, to usher in the candidates when they arrived. When I returned from the pub about four hours later, I was sure Mr Muscle would have at least prepared a short-list for a second interview," Mr Weller went on.
"But had he heck! He was on the table where I'd left him, had taken no notes whatsoever and all of the students had gone. I was furious!" continued Mr Weller.
Mr Weller has been sacked by chartered accountants Firbridge, Kirby and Matthews and has a number of complaints to the Advertising Standards Commission pending review, including one against Cadbury Confectionery, claiming that he has yet to find romance with a female rabbit, despite eating forty Caramels in one day.
Jon Ramsey of the Advertising Standards Commission said in a statement, "Bob Weller is a nutter."
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing electronic fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have shag carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a severe electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the Post Office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have now become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These Pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it now sinks like a stone.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the phonograph record was invented.
Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electric circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely to make sure they have new electrons. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much time to apply rate increases.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Vaporize Bulldozer" to "Delicate".
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, a mechanic of Alamo, Michigan, was killed as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of the troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47 accidentally shot himself to death in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone, but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawers, managing partner of the firm, Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No. 5: Michael Anderson Godwin made news posthumously. He spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair for a murder conviction before successfully having his sentence reduced to life imprisonment. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion. A Jay County man, using a lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed when the weapon discharged in his face. Sheriff investigators said Gregory David Pryor died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home while cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 7: [AP, St. Louis]: Robert Pueblo, 32, was apparently behaving in a disorderly fashion in a St. Louis market, when the clerk threatened to call the police. Pueblo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat after he had choked to death.
NOMINEE No. 8: [Unknown]: Poacher Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging cliff and was killed instantly when the dead stag fell on him.
NOMINEE No. 9: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]: Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party.
NOMINEE No. 10: [UPI, Portland, Oregon]: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man, shot through the skull by a hunting arrow, is lucky to be alive and will be released soon. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into Mountain Men Anonymous, a men's rafting club in Grants Pass, Oregon. A member tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye instead. Doctors said that if the arrow had gone one millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. John Delashaw said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of Roberts' skull, yet somehow, it managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Roberts had tried to pull the arrow out, he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Roberts said, "I feel so dumb about this."
NOMINEE No. 11: [The Calgary Sun (CP)]: A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during a shouting match, but when he stuffed it back into his pants, the gun went off.
NOMINEE No. 12: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-digging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, and Wallis noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.
Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights began to operate and the two men proceeded eastbound toward White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on the bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me," said the reporting officer, Dovey Snyder. "I can't believe those two would admit how this accident happened." Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
We all know that the movies are not real life. But you can still learn some interesting things from the celluloid world. For example...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight Involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hardworking policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a
frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her
entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had
just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb
on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow
up.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't,
however, stop from giggling when I got back to the
call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the
keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb,
right?"
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to
install the
batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on
the
first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just
paid
$2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the
book."
Customer: "I received the software update you
sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech
Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I
supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble
installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've
done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:\SETUP'."
Tech
Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup
disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you
buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
Tech Support: "Ok,
in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new
PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the
problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech
Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and
go from
there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
Customer: "I'm
having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer,
and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file
name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A:
drive-go to A:\ and
type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names,
including
'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the
correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
again."
Customer: "Ok."
(pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support:
"Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't
help but do something.
Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter
key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still
'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused)
"Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says
'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck,
so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?
At our company we have
asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give the location, name, and
everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the
number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the
network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so
we can open an
outage."
Customer: "What is
that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your
computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar
. . ."
And the best for last!!!!
Customer:
"I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
and now my A:
drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't
work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it
got stuck
in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech
Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you
get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got
stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to
get
it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You
did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get
the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic
stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you
push the eject
button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick
of butter and melted it and used
a turkey baster and put the butter in the
drive, around the disk, and
that got it loose. I can't believe you would send
me a disk that was
broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let
me get this clear. You put melted butter in your
A: drive and used pliers to
pull the disk out?" At this point, I put
the call on the speaker phone and
motioned at the other techs to
listen in.
Tech Support: "Just
so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just
said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your
crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it
out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was
sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the
disk
eject button?"
Silence. "Sir?"
Customer:
"Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject
button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my
computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my
computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are
going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't
follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional
advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your
computer
properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive
and
physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance,
since we do
record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer:
(now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech
Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice
day."
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION
LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS
From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.
Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind" - Neil Armstrong
The Anagram: "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five - I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: What was the first thing that your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: So the date of the conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was the first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning persuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, it was possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
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