And These Were The Better Ones...

The advent of the Internet has certainly speeded up the rate at which jokes get circulated around the world. What was making someone smile in Sydney on a Sunday can be making men moan in Massachussetts on Monday. Or something. Anyway, here is some chuckle fodder for you all.

New Meanings Shepherd. Train Trauma
Signs Girlfriend. Windows Heaven
Modern Proverbs Welfare Letters. Exam Answers
The 1999 Darwin Awards. The Bands That Almost Made It.... What You Can Learn From The Movies.
Stories From The Helpdesk. Childrens Books. Signs.
Newspaper Quotes Country & Western Songs Anagrams
Disorder In The Court Fun Ordering Pizza.
Happy Landings
What Is Electricity? Mr Muscle. Even more jokes...

New Meanings

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

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Shepherd

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him.

The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which are grazing, and says: "All right."

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep here."

The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?" The young man answers: "Yes, why not."

The shepherd says: "You are a partner with Andersen Consulting!" "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd, "First, you came here without being called. Second, it cost me a sheep for you to tell me something I already knew. Third, you clearly don't understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!"

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Train Trauma

The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website.

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Signs That You've Had Too Much of The 90s/00s

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Girlfriend

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I've had the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimise Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with Footyware, often trying to abort my footy programme with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. 

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with girlfriend 2.0. He said 1 probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it - it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. 

It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of BOTH VERSIONS! The version I have now works pretty well but, like all versions, there are still some problems. 

The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less re-programme. And I have never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object orientated". A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay resident version. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires after a year if you don't upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all his space so he can't load anything else. 

One of the prime reasons he upgraded to Wife was because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). Apart from that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it Wife 1.0 came bundled with mother-in-law 1.0, which has an automatic pop up feature he can't turn off. 

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without uninstalling Wife, Wife will delete your MS Money files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Is there anyone out there able to resolve the conflicts or offer technical advice?

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Windows Heaven

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." 

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? 

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

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Modern Proverbs

Some new proverbs for the new Millennium.

  1. Home is where you hang your @.
  2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C is the root of all directories.
  8. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practise.
  9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
  10. The modem is the message.
  11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13. There's no place like http://www.home.com
  14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16. What boots up must come down.
  17. Windows will never cease.
  18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  19. Modulation in all things.
  20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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(Allegedly) True Letters To Social Security

These are supposed to be actual letters written to the Department of Social Security in the UK!

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UK Examination Answers

Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems verbatim.

  1. "Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."
  2. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...
  3. How important are elections to a democratic society?
    Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
  4. What is a turbine?
    Something an arab wears on his head
  5. What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
    Nelson's Column
  6. Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
    The fatted calf
  7. What's a Hindu?
    It lays eggs
  8. Name the four seasons
    Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar
  9. What changes happen to your body as you age?
    When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental
  10. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house
  11. What is a co-operative?
    It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer
  12. What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been involved in a car accident and is immobile?
    Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea
  13. What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
    The Kiss of Death
  14. What are steroids?
    Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs
  15. What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
    Circumcision
  16. "Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum."
  17. I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."
  18. "I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast."
  19. "Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."
  20. "A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea,the penis becomes inflammable."
  21. "A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."
  22. "The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."
  23. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
  24. "Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic convertors."
  25. "The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."
  26. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"
  27. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
  28. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
  29. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
  30. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart andlungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -a, e, I, o and u."
  31. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
  32. "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
  33. "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
  34. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
  35. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
  36. "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
  37. "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
  38. "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
  39. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
  40. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
  41. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
  42. "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
  43. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
  44. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
  45. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
  46. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
  47. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
  48. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

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Landings Are Like Aerials...

...any one that can walk away from is a good one. Here are some (allegedly) true announcements from in-flight attendants.