Net Nonsense

As well as all the US Election spoof ballot papers, there's been a few other grin-inducing circulars


A Timeless Classic From Swaziland

This only happens in Africa This is true story from a real newspaper: The "SWAZI TIMES"

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Mbabane Government Hospital told reporters.

"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths".

It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, Swazi Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."

By the way, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off Patients." 


True Stories?

INTELLECT
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intellect.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

THE GETAWAY

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the storeclerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

OUCH, THAT SMARTS
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart! " Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

THE LAWN
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

OOOOPS
When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

FINGER TROUBLE
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little peremptory hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

BANGED UP
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down the other side, and found himself in the city prison.

I JUST CALLED
A prison escapee in Utah surprised officials at the state penitentiary by calling them long distance 'just to see how things are'.

HE MUST BE NUTS
A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leaped onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

TYPICAL WOMAN
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. 


Demonstrate Your Mental Health

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down

2) Page yourself over the intercom but don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or  Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think"

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing Along at the opera

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood

23) Call 111 and ask if 111 is for emergencies

24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"

25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won,I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do"

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"


Idiot Types

MEDICAL IDIOTS

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

FACTORY IDIOTS

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

RETAIL IDIOTS

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, eg, "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance".

HIGHWAY IDIOTS

I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.

COMPUTER IDIOTS

Peter works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from Tino in one of the branch banks that had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


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