In a departure from all the serious stuff, The SDF Blog somewhat less
than proudly presents the planned end to an imaginary TV talent-cum-reality show. Only the names of the competitors have been changed to protect the innocent. Welcome to
Slightly Cheesy Dancing!
Graham: HEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! It's the final week where the winners go on to fame and fortune, and the losers will be shot. We've got our judges, our coaches and our competitors, so let's play Slightly Cheesy Dancing!
[canned applause]
Graham: This week our final three couples were each given a different style, so tonight we'll be seeing street dance, freestyle and tap. See if you can spot which is which. Now it's time to meet our first couple,
Bob and Bobbie!
[The couple do a really naff street dance routine]
Graham: Wonderful! Wonderful! That was kicking! Blinging! Oh yes - I'm so street you could put lamp posts on me! But what did the judges think?
[He turns to the Axis of Evil. They are seated at a long table on which are placed various knives, clubs and a hangman's noose. In front of each is a name card:
Arlene Ferocious, Luca Ladeezman, Stacey Hey Guys! and Jason Combover].
Arlene [immediately going off on one, waving her arms about]: What was that? It was complete rubbish! I want trowels, wheelbarrows, hedges, pot plants...
Vanessa: Arlene, please! Those aren't real moves!
Arlene [sits back, calmer]: Hmmm, ok, maybe not. I think I got my Dance News mixed up with my Gardening magazine this month. They both had pansies on the front cover.
Jason [indignantly]: Hey! I was on on the cover of Dance News this month! And I danced for you in Cats!
Arlene: That was 20 years ago! [adopts attitude] What have you done for me LATELY?
Graham: Enough fighting, ladies, it's time for your scores.
Arlene [huffily]: I'm going to give them minus fifty.
Luca [smugly]: As usual I disagree with Arlene. I'm giving them five million! [holds up two-foot wide paddle with the number on it].
Stacey [perkily]: Hey guys! I'm just going to sit here looking cute and wide-eyed and pick a paddle at random. [She holds up one saying 'Hi Mum']
Jason [clearly still having a hissy fit]: I didn't like YOU, but I DO like ME, so I'm going to give ME 10 points!
Graham: Ooh! Controversial! What do the coaches think?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kevan. They are reading newspapers].
Graham: Right! While our independent auditors enter that information into to our hi-tech automated scoring program [shot of a hand flicking beads across an abacus], let's get the second couple on the floor. Ooh er - that sounded a bit rude! But are they? Let's meet Bill and Billie!
[The couple stand in front of the judges, stoney-faced, only doing slow, deliberate hand movements].
Graham: Well THAT was different. Stacey - what did you make of that?
Stacey [as if she has been day dreaming]: Sorry, I thought they were directing the stage hands for the next set up - I missed that completely.
Jason [interrupting extravagantly, waving arms]: Well I thought it was magnificent! They captured the whole essence of the quadrangular baroque style! The architraves! The vented crypts, and oh those superb flying buttresses!
[Vanessa and Kevan look at each other, roll their eyes and bury their heads in their hands].
Kevan [wearily]: Well I'm not sure Jason, but I'm ALMOST certain that's complete bollocks.
Graham: So no change there, then. Has anyone of you got anything helpful and constructive to say? [pauses] Anyone?
Stacey [in a little voice]: If you wrap celery in tin foil you can keep it fresh a lot longer in a fridge...?
Graham [more assertively]: That's better. Luca?
Luca [questioningly]: Er... a foreign accent sounds sexy to the ladeez?
Graham [really getting into empowered mode]: Well I wouldn't know about that but I'm sure you're right. Right. It's that time again - paddles up!
[All the judges bow their heads and hold up paddles saying 'Sorry'].
Graham: Now let's meet our final couple. It's Pat and Patricia!
[Pat does an amazingly complex tap number. Patricia stands there like a magician's assistant, just pointing and smiling]
Graham: Jason, how did you like that?
Jason: Once again, I thought that Patricia was magnificent, she owned the floor, she gave it her all. But Pat, I keep telling you, you've got to up your game.
Pat [confidently and aggressively]: Listen mate, I HAVE upped my game. Up yours!
Jason [in a VERY camp voice]: Ooh you little minx! I'm going to get you!
[Jason rises from his chair and totters around the table. We see that from the waist down he is wearing high heels, stockings and a suspender belt. Everyone points at him and laughs and he scurries back to his seat].
Graham: Ooh, NOW it's getting interesting! Let's get a comment on that from the coaches!
[Cut to Vanessa and Kevan. They are asleep]
Graham: WAKE UP, COACHES!
Kevan [coming to suddenly]: Er, er, oh yes, right. These two haven't adapted at all to be being slagged off
by the judges every week - so we've decided to join in.
Vanessa: Yes, we are going to do our best to undermine them publicly as well. I know it's our job to be helpful and nuturing, but
what we really want to do is trash them.
Kevan: Yeah! Why should the judges have all the fun? We hate this couple and think they should be executed.
Graham: Er, ok then. Luca - what did you think?
Luca: I'm just going to lean across the desk and wave my pen about madly...
Graham: Fair enough. Arlene?
Arlene: Pat, you were an animal! A wild, prowling tiger! A leopard, Pat, you were a leopard! No wait, a badger! Or was it a hamster? A giraffe, a water buffalo, a lumbering wildebeest...
[She carries on calling out animal names as a woman in a white coat appears behind her]
Arlene [increasingly desperately]: A zebra, er - a Thomson's gazelle, er, er - a lion - but much more convincing than the one in The Wizard of Oz...
White Coat [reassuringly]: Come along Arlene, I'm going to take you to a happy place and make it all better...
Arlene [still muttering as she's led away]: a stoat, a wombat, a circus elephant with frilly trim on his trunk...
White Coat: That's right, it will all be fine soon...
[They disappear as the other judges look on, slightly worried. A gun shot is heard, followed by a short pause]
Arlene [faintly, again off stage]: A duck-billed platypus in a crystal stream...
[A series of shots is heard followed by silence]
Graham: Well, as I said at the beginning, on this game, the losers get shot. That's all for tonight from Slightly Cheesy Dancing!
[Everyone starts hugging each other, looking really happy]
End
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